Subject: Our Marketing Plan

by Ellis Weiner

“If you can’t find the book you’re looking for,

it’s probably because you’re in the …

1. I had a congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a congressman’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.”

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.”

His response: click.

3. A senior congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada?”

I said, ”No.”

She said, ”But they look so close on the map.”

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’

He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”

After putting him on hold for a minute, I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is FAT (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. An aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman congressman who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.

“Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double-checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey congressman called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.”

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.”

”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is.

Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Orphaned elephants at the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust

Thanks to Kaye McKenzie for this link to the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, to which you can contribute by adopting or fostering an orphaned elephant or rhino.

Dr. Dame Daphne Sheldrick (“the first person in the entire world to successfully hand rear newborn fully milk dependent African Elephant orphans”) explains the organization’s philosophy: “Saving wildlife and wilderness is the responsibility of all thinking people. Greed and personal gain must not be permitted to decimate, despoil and destroy the earth’s irreplaceable treasure for its existence is essential to the human spirit and the well-being of the earth as a whole. All life has just one home — the earth — and we as the dominant species must take care of it.”

You can also donate in honor of a friend, and receive a lovely watercolor of an elephant to send to your friend in place of a more traditional gift.

The site includes lots of information about elephant and rhino conservation, and an article about elephant emotion., ending with this quotation from Henry Beston, from The Outmost House, and written in 1928:

“We need another and wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals …. In a world older and more complete than ours, they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings, they are other Nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth.”

CRAPSTONE, England – When ordering things by telephone, Stewart Pearce tends to take a proactive approach to the inevitable question “What is your address?”

He lays it out straight, so there is no room for unpleasant confusion. “I say, ‘It’s spelled “crap,” as in crap,’ ” said Mr. Pearce, 61, who has lived in Crapstone, a one-shop country village in Devon, for decades.

Disappointingly, Mr. Pearce has so far been unable to parlay such delicate encounters into material gain, as a neighbor once did… [follow link for rest of article]

It’s a delightful combination (if I may say so) of naughtiness and humor; one reviewer called me “the Shel Silverstein of erotica.” Here’s a sample:

Z is for the zipper
Easy access, up and down.
Nothing is much quicker
For getting to the mound.

If you’re in the San Francisco Bay Area, you can pick up a copy (just $7.95) at Book Passage, either at the Ferry Plaza in San Francisco, or at 51 Tamal Vista Blvd. in Corte Madera. It comes with a complimentary packet of Chocoholics chocolate body frosting, while supplies last. Together, the book and the chocolate body frosting will make an unforgettable Valentine’s Day gift!

If you can’t make it to Book Passage, the book is also available online (but without the body frosting).

Either way, you’ll heat up Valentine’s Day, and you’ll feel so good about supporting a local author.

From our friends at Litquake:
Litquake is pleased as punch to team up this year with SKETCHFEST, the nationally-prominent comedy festival that takes place each January at venues around The City! We will be co-presenting Celebrity Autobiography, the smash hit lit-meets-comedy event from New York City being performed here for the first time, in which an all-star cast reads hilarious celebrity memoirs live.

The cast includes “Saturday Night Live’s” Jason Sudeikis, as well as Michael McKean (“This is Spinal Tap”), Annette O’Toole (“Smallville”), Rachel Dratch (“SNL”), Scott Thompson (“Kids in the Hall”), Laraine Newman (“SNL”) and Celebrity Autobiography co-creators Eugene Pack and Dayle Reyfel.

Come and see what Time magazine calls “The funniest docu-theater stunt of the year.” (Docu-theater? We wish we’d thought of that!)

Two performances on Monday, January 19, 7pm & 9pm at Cobb’s Comedy Club, 915 Columbus Avenue (@Lombard).  http://www.cobbscomedyclub.com/

While you’re at it, check out the incredible Sketchfest lineup this year! Very impressive!

About Litquake:
Litquake, San Francisco’s annual literary festival, was founded by Bay Area writers in order to put on a week-long literary spectacle for book lovers, complete with cutting-edge panels, unique cross-media events, and hundreds of readings. Since its founding in 1999, the festival has presented close to 1,400 author appearances for an audience of over 32,000 in its lively and inclusive celebration of San Francisco’s thriving contemporary literary scene. Litquake seeks to foster interest in literature, perpetuate a sense of literary community, and provide a vibrant forum for Bay Area writing as a complement to the city’s music, film, and cultural festivals.